(13) Guess what buddy, you get two Christmas's now!

Divorce.

When speaking about marriage, the topic of divorce inevitably comes up as well. It is something that seems to be all around us. For many of us, it brings up a bad taste in the mouth. If we haven't been affected by divorce personally, we have someone we know who has. In the best of circumstances, it is an amicable separation. Both adults still stay involved with the children and don't have a spousal relationship anymore. Although when has life ever been cooperative in making life in ideal circumstances?

Often, divorce is akin to playing tug of war and both sides are trying to drag the other to their side while they stay strong and victorious. It becomes a competition of who was hurt the least and who is doing better for themselves. All while kids are stuck in the middle being fought over and used as trophies. It can sour even the sweetest of families and leave bitterness in its wake. I will acknowledge that there are circumstances where divorce is the better option for both parties, but don't believe just because you get divorced that it is going to turn into a battle.

Let us begin with some statistics:

The main reason for divorce is… marriage. To get serious, it really isn't as hopeless as it seems. Divorce rates really spiked around the 1980s. There are a few theories as to why this is true. First, women were starting to become more fiscally independent. Second, divorces are becoming readily available and easier to obtain than ever before. Third, divorce and divorcees are becoming more socially accepted; since that spike in the 1980s, 1980s divorce rates have been steadily decreasing. With more options becoming available to aid like family and marriage therapists, fewer marriages overall, and rebellion, that last one is probably one you haven't heard before! Really, rebellion seems to be a reason to lower divorce rates because the millennial generation who were the children raised during that crazy spike of divorce are determined to prove their parents wrong and have marriages that last!

So, what does this mean? It seems to show that work and effort is what is making the change in divorce rates. The best way to prevent a divorce is to put in the work together to help build and support an ailing marriage. Marriage takes WORK! The best things in life take tremendous amounts of work. We forget that marriage is a joining of two different people, lifestyles, viewpoints, and perspectives. After knowing someone for many years and becoming as intimate with a partner in every sense of the word, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, it feels like we know them as well as we know ourselves! However, this very viewpoint can be a strength or our Achilles heel. Continuing to build our relationship with that person is vital to anything that is meant to grow.

Think of it like a tree. When a tree is growing, it faces many difficult challenges: having enough water, growing roots to stay well-rooted, getting blown over by the wind, and scorched by the sun. It seems like almost too much to bear, but if we take away challenges, the tree will not be strong enough later on. The sun helps the tree build a strong outer skin to protect the most sensitive parts. The wind blowing helps the tree build a tolerance to it, slowly changing the very cells of the tree to accommodate the needed strength to not blow over. Not enough water encourages the roots to grow deeper and farther, seeking water to nourish them. Each challenge aids the tree in its resilience, only if the tree allows it. When challenges come, and they will, we make the choice of how we respond.

How we respond will make or break all of our relationships. We must choose carefully how and when we decide what to do to fix our marriages. During the process of divorce, many couples state that they have too many irreconcilable differences driving them to divorce, yet when marriages that were reporting high marital success attributed it to their areas of incompatibility! Neal Jacobson and colleagues performed a study polling both individuals on their way to divorce and those with high marital success and found both parties reported that they had 10 areas of significant incompatibility. Both parties agreed that those areas of significant incompatibility are what caused the results they had either divorce or high satisfaction.

I'll leave you with these thoughts. Perspective and attitude majorly affect the outcomes of our situations in nearly every aspect of our lives. We are presented with the chance to change and grow from whatever is thrown at us or let it beat and destroy us. Divorce is a potential outcome of marriage, but doesn't need to be viewed as a fear of failure. It is a warning sign that our marriage is in critical condition, and we need to choose to save it and let it grow or to let it continue on its projected course of death.

Farewell,

Your Mom,

Tree

(10) He said, She Said

 When older couples are asked what is the single most important advice they would give to a newlywed couple, they say that communication is key. What is all this holla-ba-lou about communication? Why is it the most given advice to those who are just starting out and seems to be the make or break of every relationship? How do we best communicate effectively in our treasured relationships as well as in daily interactions?

The definition of communication in Merriam-Webster dictionary is as follows, "a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior, information communicated: information transmitted or conveyed, a technique for expressing ideas effectively (as in speech)" If we take these definitions we begin to realize that communication is a way in which we express our feelings, thoughts, intentions, and desires. However, as much as communication utilizes the delivery of information, it requires intentional listening as well.

As I have grown, I have really found a passion for using effective communication, especially throughout the ups and downs my life has taken in recent years. For example, I have needed to find other methods of communication other than speaking when I have an anaphylactic reaction to an allergen. The first time, my throat was swelling shut. I recall the desperate feeling of wanting so badly to guide those around me to help but, had no way of doing so. How often do we feel this way? Trying to get our point across and coming up short?

Not only did I see my lack of effective communication in life-or-death situations, but in my personal relationships as well. If you know me, you probably have met my mother as well. She has become one of my best friends, one I speak of often, and I immensely enjoy our time together. Yet, it wasn't always this way. We had a tumultuous relationship from a young age for a variety of reasons. One in which I would typically push buttons to get a reaction and then retaliate with my angry outbursts. It was such a common occurrence to find me smashing glass dishware in frustration that my grandma bought my parents a set of Corelle dishware to help put less shattered glass on the floor (Corelle dishes are less likely to break and if they do, it doesn't leave tiny shards of glass but rather larger chunks, and believe me, I tried to break those dishes!)

Looking back, I wish I could have brought more of this information to myself at a younger age. I find in my relationship now we laugh about the methods by which we try to communicate. I was a little girl who was deeply hurt, one who didn't feel heard or wanted due to some problematic people in my life (that's a post for another day though). Furthermore, I used anger as a tool to try to show this by yelling my words, showing my anger, and stomping around with the attitude of at least six teenage girls. Instead of finding ways to speak to how I truly felt, I sent almost deceptive forms of communication and provided no code.

Through therapy and good books, I learned that I was trying to convey my thoughts and emotions to those around me but, my messages were confusing and vague even in how I was speaking to myself! Talk about confusing! We are constantly communicating, whether that be with ourselves or others, each allowing room for growth or setbacks. We can look at it like this:

As you can see here, the thoughts and emotions that we experience are encoded and then sent out to the intended party from different forms of media. Media can be anything from our body language to text messages. It is then intended to be decoded by the respected party, which will then be processed with their thoughts and emotions. With just the five parts of this process, the things that are trying to be communicated will be misinterpreted and construed. So, how do we lessen that? 

When in conversations with emotions, differing viewpoints, and interpretations, it is easy to reach a point of conflict if we aren't careful. It is one person trying to make a point with a spear and another holding a shield trying to defend themselves. What are your options? To stab more, harder, around, or to drop it. In the end, it doesn't get their point across or change anything. It leaves all people leaving the interaction unfulfilled, unheard and hurt. (See my fabulous art below)

The best resource I have found to better understand how to communicate effectively comes from David D Burns, in his book, "Feeling Good Together." He produced a wonderful chart called, "The Five Secrets to Effective Communication." In it, he beautifully explains how we can help bring our thoughts and feelings to communication with all our interactions better. (Link Below) The Five Secrets, v one (feelinggood.com)

https://feelinggood.com/2016/12/12/014-the-five-secrets-of-effective-communication-part-1/

https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Together-Troubled-Relationships/dp/0767920821

As a recap, we each want to be heard well. It may seem hopeless to communicate, especially on difficult topics, if we don't have an understanding of the different aspects that will affect the behavior and responses. As we become aware of the things that can impact our communication, we can better optimize our methods of communication. Better aiding us in all our relationships and interactions with others. I could write many other posts about communication. It is a topic that impacts every aspect of our lives. With that, I bid you adieu!

Sincerely,

Mama Tree