(13) Guess what buddy, you get two Christmas's now!

Divorce.

When speaking about marriage, the topic of divorce inevitably comes up as well. It is something that seems to be all around us. For many of us, it brings up a bad taste in the mouth. If we haven't been affected by divorce personally, we have someone we know who has. In the best of circumstances, it is an amicable separation. Both adults still stay involved with the children and don't have a spousal relationship anymore. Although when has life ever been cooperative in making life in ideal circumstances?

Often, divorce is akin to playing tug of war and both sides are trying to drag the other to their side while they stay strong and victorious. It becomes a competition of who was hurt the least and who is doing better for themselves. All while kids are stuck in the middle being fought over and used as trophies. It can sour even the sweetest of families and leave bitterness in its wake. I will acknowledge that there are circumstances where divorce is the better option for both parties, but don't believe just because you get divorced that it is going to turn into a battle.

Let us begin with some statistics:

The main reason for divorce is… marriage. To get serious, it really isn't as hopeless as it seems. Divorce rates really spiked around the 1980s. There are a few theories as to why this is true. First, women were starting to become more fiscally independent. Second, divorces are becoming readily available and easier to obtain than ever before. Third, divorce and divorcees are becoming more socially accepted; since that spike in the 1980s, 1980s divorce rates have been steadily decreasing. With more options becoming available to aid like family and marriage therapists, fewer marriages overall, and rebellion, that last one is probably one you haven't heard before! Really, rebellion seems to be a reason to lower divorce rates because the millennial generation who were the children raised during that crazy spike of divorce are determined to prove their parents wrong and have marriages that last!

So, what does this mean? It seems to show that work and effort is what is making the change in divorce rates. The best way to prevent a divorce is to put in the work together to help build and support an ailing marriage. Marriage takes WORK! The best things in life take tremendous amounts of work. We forget that marriage is a joining of two different people, lifestyles, viewpoints, and perspectives. After knowing someone for many years and becoming as intimate with a partner in every sense of the word, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, it feels like we know them as well as we know ourselves! However, this very viewpoint can be a strength or our Achilles heel. Continuing to build our relationship with that person is vital to anything that is meant to grow.

Think of it like a tree. When a tree is growing, it faces many difficult challenges: having enough water, growing roots to stay well-rooted, getting blown over by the wind, and scorched by the sun. It seems like almost too much to bear, but if we take away challenges, the tree will not be strong enough later on. The sun helps the tree build a strong outer skin to protect the most sensitive parts. The wind blowing helps the tree build a tolerance to it, slowly changing the very cells of the tree to accommodate the needed strength to not blow over. Not enough water encourages the roots to grow deeper and farther, seeking water to nourish them. Each challenge aids the tree in its resilience, only if the tree allows it. When challenges come, and they will, we make the choice of how we respond.

How we respond will make or break all of our relationships. We must choose carefully how and when we decide what to do to fix our marriages. During the process of divorce, many couples state that they have too many irreconcilable differences driving them to divorce, yet when marriages that were reporting high marital success attributed it to their areas of incompatibility! Neal Jacobson and colleagues performed a study polling both individuals on their way to divorce and those with high marital success and found both parties reported that they had 10 areas of significant incompatibility. Both parties agreed that those areas of significant incompatibility are what caused the results they had either divorce or high satisfaction.

I'll leave you with these thoughts. Perspective and attitude majorly affect the outcomes of our situations in nearly every aspect of our lives. We are presented with the chance to change and grow from whatever is thrown at us or let it beat and destroy us. Divorce is a potential outcome of marriage, but doesn't need to be viewed as a fear of failure. It is a warning sign that our marriage is in critical condition, and we need to choose to save it and let it grow or to let it continue on its projected course of death.

Farewell,

Your Mom,

Tree