When older couples are asked what is the single most important advice they would give to a newlywed couple, they say that communication is key. What is all this holla-ba-lou about communication? Why is it the most given advice to those who are just starting out and seems to be the make or break of every relationship? How do we best communicate effectively in our treasured relationships as well as in daily interactions?
The definition of communication in Merriam-Webster dictionary is as follows, "a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior, information communicated: information transmitted or conveyed, a technique for expressing ideas effectively (as in speech)" If we take these definitions we begin to realize that communication is a way in which we express our feelings, thoughts, intentions, and desires. However, as much as communication utilizes the delivery of information, it requires intentional listening as well.
As I have grown, I have really found a passion for using effective communication, especially throughout the ups and downs my life has taken in recent years. For example, I have needed to find other methods of communication other than speaking when I have an anaphylactic reaction to an allergen. The first time, my throat was swelling shut. I recall the desperate feeling of wanting so badly to guide those around me to help but, had no way of doing so. How often do we feel this way? Trying to get our point across and coming up short?
Not only did I see my lack of effective communication in life-or-death situations, but in my personal relationships as well. If you know me, you probably have met my mother as well. She has become one of my best friends, one I speak of often, and I immensely enjoy our time together. Yet, it wasn't always this way. We had a tumultuous relationship from a young age for a variety of reasons. One in which I would typically push buttons to get a reaction and then retaliate with my angry outbursts. It was such a common occurrence to find me smashing glass dishware in frustration that my grandma bought my parents a set of Corelle dishware to help put less shattered glass on the floor (Corelle dishes are less likely to break and if they do, it doesn't leave tiny shards of glass but rather larger chunks, and believe me, I tried to break those dishes!)
Looking back, I wish I could have brought more of this information to myself at a younger age. I find in my relationship now we laugh about the methods by which we try to communicate. I was a little girl who was deeply hurt, one who didn't feel heard or wanted due to some problematic people in my life (that's a post for another day though). Furthermore, I used anger as a tool to try to show this by yelling my words, showing my anger, and stomping around with the attitude of at least six teenage girls. Instead of finding ways to speak to how I truly felt, I sent almost deceptive forms of communication and provided no code.
Through therapy and good books, I learned that I was trying to convey my thoughts and emotions to those around me but, my messages were confusing and vague even in how I was speaking to myself! Talk about confusing! We are constantly communicating, whether that be with ourselves or others, each allowing room for growth or setbacks. We can look at it like this:
As you can see here, the thoughts and emotions that we experience are encoded and then sent out to the intended party from different forms of media. Media can be anything from our body language to text messages. It is then intended to be decoded by the respected party, which will then be processed with their thoughts and emotions. With just the five parts of this process, the things that are trying to be communicated will be misinterpreted and construed. So, how do we lessen that?
When in conversations with emotions, differing viewpoints, and interpretations, it is easy to reach a point of conflict if we aren't careful. It is one person trying to make a point with a spear and another holding a shield trying to defend themselves. What are your options? To stab more, harder, around, or to drop it. In the end, it doesn't get their point across or change anything. It leaves all people leaving the interaction unfulfilled, unheard and hurt. (See my fabulous art below)
The best resource I have found to better understand how to communicate effectively comes from David D Burns, in his book, "Feeling Good Together." He produced a wonderful chart called, "The Five Secrets to Effective Communication." In it, he beautifully explains how we can help bring our thoughts and feelings to communication with all our interactions better. (Link Below) The Five Secrets, v one (feelinggood.com)
https://feelinggood.com/2016/12/12/014-the-five-secrets-of-effective-communication-part-1/
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Together-Troubled-Relationships/dp/0767920821
As a recap, we each want to be heard well. It may seem hopeless to communicate, especially on difficult topics, if we don't have an understanding of the different aspects that will affect the behavior and responses. As we become aware of the things that can impact our communication, we can better optimize our methods of communication. Better aiding us in all our relationships and interactions with others. I could write many other posts about communication. It is a topic that impacts every aspect of our lives. With that, I bid you adieu!
Sincerely,
Mama Tree
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